One of my main prayers in the weeks after we got the amazing
results back from my first cycle of treatment had to do with the story of Jesus
walking on the water. In the book of
Matthew, chapter 14, Matthew writes of when the disciples got in a boat and set
out across the lake. They made it out quite
a ways, the water was rough, it was dark, and they noticed Jesus walking
towards them on the water. They were
terrified, they thought He was a ghost, which makes perfect sense to me. I mean, I have heard the story before, but
this was where the old "walking on water" cliché came from, who would have
imagined it before it really happened… So Jesus tells them not to be afraid, that it’s Him on the water… and so Peter yells out from the boat to Him,
saying that if it really is Him (Jesus), tell him (Peter) to come out to Him on
the water. So Jesus does, and Peter
actually gets out of the boat and walks on the water. And this is where I get a picture of
"stepping out in faith." Turns
out that Peter walks a little, but then looks around and gets scared by the
storm. He starts to sink at that point and yells out to Jesus, "Lord, save
me!" Immediately, Jesus catches him
and says "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" They get into the boat, the wind dies
down, and the disciples in the boat say to Him, "Truly you are the son of God."
Every time I remember reading that story, I have wanted to have a faith
like Peter’s… a faith that believes even
the impossible is possible with God… to
believe that when Jesus says "come," there is nothing to fear, even if the only
way to Him is over the stormy sea. I
find comfort that even though Peter’s faith waivered, and he started to sink,
that Jesus was right there to catch Him.
I also am encouraged because it was just the "little faith" that Peter
had that allowed him to step out of the boat and walk on the water! The story reminds me to keep the eyes of my
heart fixed on Jesus, the One who has the authority over all things… who calms the storm, who heals the sick, who
makes the blind see, who brought forgiveness for our sins, who raises the
dead and who died and was raised again by His own authority, because He has
authority even over death itself… and
like Peter, if I get distracted by the storm and take my focus off of the One
who sustains me (as I do time and time again), I too become fearful and my
faith is challenged… but Jesus is always
there to catch me, and gently lift me back up, and remind me of His
faithfulness, and encourage me with His peace and strength. Sometimes it’s not too hard to step out in
faith, the sacrifice is relatively small and the risk of embarrassment or
inconvenience isn’t too bad… but with
some things, it feels like there is just about every reason not to, and it
probably doesn’t make sense, but we see Jesus out there on the water and want
so badly to be out there with Him rather than in the boat. Which leads me to my prayer…
We
felt like, with myeloma and the treatments they laid out for us, that there
were many places where we could step out in faith, but this cancer is no joke… we sure weren’t going to just blindly step
out with no guidance, and we did feel that God was doing something amazing
already… we just didn’t know exactly
what He was doing (and we still don’t know exactly what He is doing, but I’ll
get to that later). So we prayed for
guidance and wisdom and faith and strength and everything else… and eventually, I got up the courage to pray "Lord
Jesus, when it’s time to step out of the boat, tell me to come to You… I’m listening…" It was hard to pray that. If you can imagine, which I’m sure you’ve
felt the same in your own situations, it’s like when you really want something,
something that’s good but that you know is going to be hard once you get it, so
you kind of don’t want to get it because then you can go about your business
the way it’s always been, and since you tried and didn’t get it, you feel good
about trying, but glad you didn’t actually get it… but then disappointed too, because really, in
all actuality, you do want it… so you
wait, after you’ve done everything you could, with your stomach in knots, to
find out if you’re going to get it or not.
That’s kind of what it felt like to say that prayer, and to mean it, and
to listen for an answer. And that’s when
things started to become more and more clear… not just to me, but to Jas as
well as she continued to pray alongside me, seeking His guidance. As the beginning of a third 4-week cycle of
chemo was about a week away, I had begun experiencing some different side effects
from the chemo, and the ways we felt God speaking to us made that week pretty
intense. There were times when I was
just mentally and emotionally exhausted, because thinking over the events we
believed God was moving in already, and the ways I believed He was leading us,
we both agreed that the time to step out in faith was now… We began believing what some of our friends
already believed, that during that first month of chemo treatment, when my
numbers went from bad to normal, surprising our doctors and throwing anything typical
out the window… that’s when we believe God may have rid my body completely of cancer. So what do we do now, right? The "problem" with believing this is that the
only way to know for sure if the cancer is gone, is if it never comes back… or to
look at it the other way, the only way to know if it’s still there, is if it come
back. So we decided (and I say "we"
because I couldn’t walk this road without the wonderful support Jas is for me)
that we would stop treatments and see if it comes back. We talked about staying the treatment path
since we can’t really know for sure, which would probably be the safest road to
take, but that just didn’t make sense when it comes down to what I really
believe. I have given up a life lived
for myself, in exchange for a life of serving God… the God of the Bible, who’s
one and only son Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and who’s Holy Spirit
lives in me. I believe that God created
the heavens and the earth and everything in them, and that He is ever present
with power and authority over all things.
I believe in miracles and I believe God can and does miraculously heal
people… although who, when and why are things I only wish I could understand. So when I have two paths before me, one where
God, who has raised the dead to life again, leads me to step out in faith and
trust Him with my life, and one where the doctors believe they can help me live
longer, but remind me over and over that they have no cure for what I’ve
got… this time, we have the faith to walk the path God is leading us down, for
His sake and for His glory. If my life
is going to be used to display God’s glory and presence to this world, then I
don’t want my own fears to get in the way of that… I want to be part of
something amazing! And I feel like I
already am.
The
anxiety built as we made our decision and had to discuss it with the doctors at
my upcoming appointments. I was
encouraged when I most needed it early the week of my first appointment,
through my three year old, of all people.
God seems to speak through our kids in encouraging ways during intense
times in our lives, and this is just one example. Before we got up one morning that week, Wyatt was up
and hopped into bed with us. When it was
time to get up and get some breakfast, he sat on the edge of the bed for a
moment looking down at the floor. He
hopped off and stood a little strangely, motioning his hands towards the floor
and said to me, "Come on daddy, this is the water, we’ve got to walk on the
water…" I smiled and said ok… I hadn’t mentioned my obsession with that
story to anyone that week, it had just been in my private prayers. He hadn’t ever said anything like that to me
before or since. Just a little
encouragement from God to give us the courage we needed to walk boldly on a path
that doesn’t really make sense without God.
And so Jas and I went to see my doctor for my pre-third cycle
consult. We shared our thoughts and our
reasons, and knew she understood us when she said, "Well, you’re pretty much
banking on a miracle." She shared her
professional opinions with us, and candidly let us know that she thought it was
a terrible idea, but was very respectful about us making the decisions that we
thought were best for us, and very reassuring that she wasn’t upset about our decisions,
just anxious for us. We agreed to hold
off treatment that day, delaying my third cycle by a week until we talked with
the myeloma specialist at our next appointment a few days later… just in case
he said something that would change our mind.
The intensity of the peace I felt about our decision at times, and the
intensity of the anxiety I felt other times, grew over the next few days before
we drove to U-Penn Philly for our consult with the myeloma specialist we were
going to schedule the bone marrow transplant with. We sat in the sterile little room waiting
for him, and it was pretty crazy when he came in and one of the first things he
said to us was that he didn’t believe my numbers, referring to my "complete
remission" (or complete healing as we believe) in less than a month of
treatment. I reminded him that I have
had three tests over the last three weeks, and he said he understood, but still
didn’t believe the numbers were true, so he was going to test me again here at
his facility. Talking with him was a bit
more scary because he went over, in great detail, how the chemo and bone marrow
transplant work against myeloma, and how even though the drugs and treatments
they have now are great for controlling the disease in many patients for many
years, there are some myeloma cells that are immune to any kind of chemo… so it
never goes away… ever. Which seems to be
the kind of thing that’s right up God’s alley.
There may be no cure for myeloma with drugs or treatment, but nothing is
impossible with God, and I believe, my friends, that I am part of something
miraculous. My specialist obviously did
not recommend stopping treatments, and told us that as much as he respects God,
he has never seen a miracle when it comes to myeloma. Both doctors gave me about a year max before
they thought it would be back, showing up again in my protein light chain
numbers. I’ll be tested every month to
monitor.
The
one thing we are going to continue with, which both doctors suggested, is to
collect my stem cells and bank them now; part of the original plan. The procedure seems pretty simple. They’ll hook me up to a machine that takes my
blood, pulls out the stem cells, and then pumps everything else back into
me. I should be on the machine for two
to four hours a day, for two or three days.
This will be done within the next couple weeks, and after that, I’ll be
down to one blood test a month…
I do
have to say, it’s hard to believe in a miracle I can’t see… and I have to admit that as much as I am
stopping treatment because I believe that God already did a miracle in me, I am
stopping to see if it really is true… I
could probably write a thousand more pages with all the thoughts bouncing
around in my head, but I will just say one more thing for now… I will never
regret following where I believe God is leading me, no matter how foolish I may
look, or how much the odds may be stacked against me.
So
if you want to see a miracle… keep praying and stay tuned…